GENEAHOLISM CAUSED BY VIRUS

By: H. David Morrow mailto:FuzzyGem@worldnet.att.net

(Previously published in MISSING LINKS Vol. 7, No. 33, 21 August 2002)http://www.petuniapress.com/

Problems with computer viruses have forced me to do other virus research. This led me into subjects besides computers. For example, I found numerous documents, dating all the way back to Sigmund Freud, that clearly indicate Geneaholism is caused by a virus.

Freud concluded this after extensive testing on a number of subjects. His first indication that this was not a mental disease came from the fact that geneaholics salivate uncontrollably when passing a cemetery.  He concluded that this was neither learned behavior nor genetically inherited.  "Little children," Freud said (in German, of course), "have absolutely no inclination to run about trying to find dead relatives.  Such activity in young patients would clearly indicate a genetic defect. This is not the case. Therefore, this affliction must come from something they pick up in the air, like the "common cold.  Perhaps, and this is my own conclusion, the geneaholic is sneezed upon by someone at least two generations older. Grandfathers are especially prone to unannounced bodily explosions and could be carriers of the GhV (Geneaholic Virus).

Further searching, mostly in libraries while waiting for my wife to finish viewing a census film, uncovered some of the early warning signs of the virus.Gradual behavioral changes must be observed in the subject. For example, a well organized person (neatnick) slowly becomes unorganized, even sloppy (slopnick).

The first signs are increasing stacks of documents and papers spread all over the house. At the point these piles appear in more than one room, the GhV is past the early treatment phase. Slopnickism follows contraction of GhV as surely as certain expletives are uttered by a person hitting him/herself on the thumb with a hammer.

Early recognition of GhV and immediate treatment must begin as soon as the first room becomes unnavigable due to piles of notebooks, copies of vital record certificates and genealogical computer software.  Caregivers (live relatives and loved ones) need not be concerned with catching the virus. Freud himself noted that geneaholism only rarely afflicts two people in an immediate family, although he did report multiple occurrences if more distant relatives are included

Another sign of GhV is often confused with genetic sloppiness. Note: sloppiness and slopnickism are two separate and distinct maladies. One treatment for sloppiness is to let the subject exist with dirty clothes and dishes until he/she decides to clean up. This treatment will not work for slopnickism, as the patient simply does not recognize that there is a problem.

Weight loss and sleeplessness are other confusing signs of GhV. Gradual loss of weight comes from the patient spending constant hours in front of a computer reading family name databases instead of eating. Lack of sleep is from laying awake trying to figure out how (and why) great Aunt Tillie wound up in New Mexico when she had children in Kansas, was married in Michigan, and was born in Rhode Island.

Absent a doctor who understands the patient's lifestyle, you will probably get a diagnosis of some disease that can be treated with medications or diet. As yet, there is no medication available that treats GhV.

However, I have discovered a formula that prevents it from getting worse. No longer will spouses have to face wearing yesterday's underwear inside-out, or having unrepaired gutters and down spouts, or having uncut grass in front of the house.

I am willing to sell this formula for a paltry sum, especially when compared to the costs of developing a new drug and testing it. If you know someone with Merk, Pfizer, Bayer or other major drug company, and if you act as a finder for them, I'm sure they will be happy to pay you a few million as a finder's fee. They will probably give you the money as soon as the formula is approved by the Genealogical Health Association (GHA).

Failing to find a drug manufacturer, I will have to move to South America and start my own cartel.

© H. DAVID MORROW